creative writing piece- chapter one.

Chapter one- The now

To Whoever reads this…

they call it a hospital, but this is anywhere but. It is a prison for the sick, a place to be taken to when nobody knows what to do with you, to stay until you’re forgotten about.

When I first arrived here, I was restrained, greeted by two strange men dressed in white. Why white? Such a depressing colour. Each patient is allocated to a ward depending on their status. I was put in ward C, I had no idea what that meant but I had no choice. We walked along corridors and  up flights of stairs. People were yelling and it made me uncomfortable until I  heard “you’re the new crazy they were talking about, good luck!” Only later I found out what ward C was. You are put here if you are considered a dangerous threat  to yourself or others, you are delivered 24 hour attention. I am number 107, we are stripped of basic human rights, like our name and freedom. That isn’t even the worst part. Special treatment is given to us which includes restraints put on us and medication which often includes sedation methods. We are not allowed to leave our ward and the only socialisation is with the nurses. So now you know what I am dealing with.

I wasn’t too sure why I was considered a threat to myself or others as it was her fault that I am here. It is as she took over my body and made me do all kinds of bad things. I want to scream when I think of her, scream until the thick walls of glass shatter around me. I would be free then, free from the screeching demons in my dead, the pills, the touture, the pain, suffering and most importantly her. All I can think about is her. The fake “positive attitude”, her fake smile and the fake persona she puts on which everyone sees through, she is such a manipulative bitch. When you’re in a place like this, your thoughts are your only friend. I try not to think too much, thinking is bad. However, thinking gives you the opportunity to reflect on your life. Is my life even worth living anymore? I don’t know how long it’s been since I have been here but I know here but I know that everyone who was close to me doesn’t want to see me again so what’s the point? 

.I always wonder if ending everything would be a suitable option. Imagine knowing how you will die, I believe that I will die here. I have never heard of anyone leaving and if they do they would never be the same. This is mostly a one-way destination for the forgotten and I am one of them. I know that if i were to do it, It wouldn’t be quick. I know that for sure. It would be slow, painful and it would have to be my last resort. I used to like the feeling of pills, pills ease the hurt and make things seem bearable. However, that was then and now pills are my worst nightmare. Sedation, hallucinations, danger and voices. What the fuck are they giving me. This is the power you have when you’re all alone, the power to live or die. When you are growing up you think that life is full of colour and rainbows. You are protected by this safety blanket that is your parents. I wonder how the 2 people who loved me to death could put me in a place like this, how I was someone who they wanted dearly to forget. 

She is telling me to tell you this as I am lucid. I have the power to voice my own thoughts that aren’t being suffocated by medication. I am only myself for around an hour a day so it is my only opportunity to take control of my own naked feelings. The nurses will come In any minute and greet me with a nice tray of happy pills and a paper cup of water. She will ask me how my day is going, her voice makes me want to kill her, how the hell do you think my day is going? What a stupid question. Then she will tell me to open my mouth and swallow the pills and ask me to open again to ensure I am not keeping them in my mouth. Then she will leave and I will be alone again with my own thoughts and frequent noises coming from beyond my room. I have this piece of glass that I have been hiding under my pillow from when I threw the delicate glass table at one of the nurses. This piece of glass is the only property I own and it makes me feel safe. It often temps me, to the point where It’s my only option. I have had to be stronger than this glass to continue living just in case. Just in case someone comes to get me, tells me they love, worship, and just want me back in their arms. This hasn’t happened. Am I living off false hope?

There are many things I have to tell you about my life before this happened to me but that was then and this is now… I grab the glass out from under my pillowcase and stare at it. A lot of bad things could happen to someone if this piece of glass gets into the wrong hands. I am the wrong hands. I graze the glass up and down my arm and it gives me a warm feeling. Her voice appears in front of me and tells me to do it. She says that I will feel better after and all the pain that I am feeling will drift away and I will be happy. If I were to do this, This would be my last night on earth. I wish I could remember it for how it was before but my recollection of the outside world is diminishing right under me. Memories of my old life come to me. in patches like sand dunes in the wind. I don’t know what’s real and what’s fake.

Final paragraph 

I feel bad that I have been blaming this enemy from beneath the shadows for too long. The one I call “her” when in the end, the one I hate the most is just my reflection in the mirror. I am fooling myself to believe that she is the one to blame but how can I when you are meant to take responsibility for your own actions. If anyone is reading this, who knows me, the real me… Please tell them my story. tell them that my life wasn’t always so grey and gloomy. I am surprised I haven’t stopped writing yet and just got on with it. Just do it and she will no longer be able to haunt you, this is the exit route you’ve been craving. I sink off my bed onto the ground and collapse into a heap of tears. I can feel my heart weaken as they escape my eyes and leave burn maks sliding down my rosy cheeks. If I do this, there will be no do-over’s but the pain will stop. I guess this is goodbye, this will be my last breath my last touch of feeling, and my last chance to be alive.

I shall be going to my bliss now,

much love,

Chapter 2- the before