He waits for a second until he knows that the life has been sucked out of her. lifeless and still, she hangs, her beautiful dark hair draped over her face. He had always liked Vera, ever since they had first met…” he slowly pulls the door shut, leaving the memories of what he had just done behind him. His hand finds the wall, it’s cold, it pulses through his body. A slight grin spreads over his wrinkly pale face. “what next” He wonders. He can feel the weight of the very last bullet in his pocket, His hand fiddles with the slick rustic feel of the metal casing. “She thinks I’m stupid, does she? of course, I had a spare bullet”
He gets to the end of the long, dark corridor, The staircase is in a black abyss but with every step he takes, the light brightens from the dining room. “the dining room, the place where everything started, will everything end here as well?. The easiest option would be for him to kill himself right? no murderer, no suspects nothing he thought”. He walks down the hallway, carefully stepping over the deceased bodies that hed ruthlessly killed. He walks into the dining room, sits down and beings to write his letter of suicide. His hand shaking as he reaches down for the shiny pen in front of him. Everything around him is quiet, except for the sound of his pen pressing against the paper. How could there be any other noise, everyone is dead. He stares at the end of the table, the gun is loaded, it looks as if it is staring at him waiting for him to make his move.
After what seems like hours, he finally looks up from his paper. he places his hand on the table, putting all his weight on it to lift himself up. He looks around, looks at the emptiness of the room. slowly walking up to the end of the long mahogany table, justice places a firm grip on the gun and sits down again. troubled thinking lead him to wonder “if I ought to be leaving his world, I would like my last minutes to be enjoyed” With the other hand, he sips on the bottle of whisky from in front of him. He looks around one last time before placing the gun right in the centre of his forehead.”bang” everything around him went tumbling into a black abyss. He begins to hear mumbles, they get louder and louder as if someone was saying “we are here, welcome to soldier island” justice war grave opens his eyes.
1 Comment
Add Yours →Hi Finlay,
Good strong descriptive language.
Somethings to focus on are your punctuation and capitalisation.
There are times where you have used punctuation without need, e.g. ever since they had first met…” – does not need ”
Or have are missing punctuation, e.g. “what next” He wonders – should read – “What next,” He wonders.
Your use of capital letters is inconsistent as well. There are more than a few instances where you are not using capitals when you need them.
These are minor errors that you need to address in your writing.
Something for you to consider is using some short sentences. All of your sentences are roughly the same length, which creates a slow, repetitive feel to your writing. Adding some more variety to your sentence types will help create greater impact with your writing.
Good start.